kid

MSN的签名是:不想说话不想做个好孩子了。

坐在卫生间的马桶上,我一字一句读着自己喜欢的文字,却开始讨厌自己太过热情。其实这也一直是这几天积压在内心的想法。性格上的关系让自己一直处于积极向上主动的状态当中,然而我却一直不知道如此这般的生活态度是否就是适合自己,太过于依赖对自己内心的探索情绪原来也是一件让人伤感的事情。在这个忽冷忽热的城市,我干着也许身边朋友们这一辈子也不会干的重活脏活我打着工养活自己,却让自己的皮肤和身体一天天垮掉,让自己的胃一直处于悬空的可怜境况下,我在到处拍照锻炼自己在电脑面前通宵学点什么东西的时候,却在街头胡乱地买个subway填饱自己,对这冰箱里的食物,连动手播个洋葱的情绪都暂时搁置着,也对着橱窗里的甜食摇摇头说不能再吃,吃得牙齿都要长蛀牙和必须忍受它们深夜隐隐地疼痛折磨了,吃某些食物吃到想吐。

他们都说羡慕,生活多姿多彩,生活目标明确,生活激情满满。可是,我也有难过得时候,并不是大家所看到的那样,我的房间现在很乱,我的钱到处乱丢,我的相机摆在那边也不想去动,书本们等着我去翻阅,日志本因为铅笔坏了也有一个星期不在上面有任何记录,也正因为如此,这个星期又是糊涂着浪费掉了。总是在边打工边暗自地对自己说,现在这样的辛苦,劳累,这样的付出都是为了以后能有所得,可我知道生活日子依然继续,对自己的梦想坚持依然在浓烈。这就是我内心矛盾的症结所在。

是,我不想做个好孩子了。我希望自己冷漠对待一些人和事。

和姐姐在聊天的时候告诉她我的想法。她一直是理智的人不像我这么冲动和感性敏感。对我提出各种各样的问题让我做好失败的准备。我酸着鼻子对她说,姐,我也不问你支持不支持了,我也不求你帮我一起说服爸爸妈妈,我不能一直都依赖你。这些事情我要自己来完成。她笑着说,我支持你啊,我都想就在自己家下面开个小餐馆然后可以天天不用弄饭给自己吃了呢。这让我好感动。

我从来对自己说,我可不是个完美主义者,我真不是。可是为什么他人对我的评价却都是过于认真过于负责,过于完美坚持了呢? 想法上的原则和行动上的冲突让我困惑。M*E的小主题摄影也在缓慢的进行着,也会和Ben在照片的选择和每日的发布有着这样那样的矛盾。为a17想要设计得好的radio播放功能在通宵的学习后有了小小的进展可是却也走不下去需要他人帮忙。

而小进展,稍微让我兴奋得事情就是想好了自己书店的名字以及最后风格的确定。我需要写份长长的信给爸爸妈妈然后在附件里呈上我的策划书。最近教妈妈如何在MSN上收发邮件其实就是这个目的了。我继承了爸爸的性格,在说话上因为太过于爱和保护的问题,两个人说着说着就会往极端方向走去,所以我觉得让爸爸妈妈看到我的文字,在信里表达我的主要想法是否会更合适?可是依然担心即使这样他们也不能理解我现在所做的这一切,到底是为了什么?能让你以后的生活更加舒适呢?能让你有份稳定的职业或者让他人羡慕的工作么?能让你这一年的硕士学习价值得以体现么? 但是,这些真得很重要么?是否又是我过于天真过于理想化而必须去妥协于这样的世俗言论,进入到某种漩涡当中呢? 我不想不想不想这样。

是,我不想做个好孩子了。只是自私地走下去。

但没有孤单地,谢谢一可对我说,她和麦麦会帮我找店面,她会在工作的空闲里帮我站店和我一起在书店里欣赏着书店里书签和那四面墙上我从英国带回来的满满的画,回味彼此留学生活的乐趣和辛酸而彼此安慰朝着更幸福的那一面奔去,我告诉她,这样多美好,独立书店,虽然路之艰难,但是我相信,独立文化和社区文化必定是以后社会的主导潮流,因着这个理念,我从初期的发展,小书店的规模就开始关注这些必定是不错的想法。

咳,我必定是不能颓废,退缩,冷漠,阴郁的,写着写着阳光就出现了。  我好想吃水煮鱼,小龙虾,还有开花馒头。

(觉着这样看比较费力的话,可以直接在地址栏的后面打上march_1.htm看整页的效果。)

今天喜欢的网站是:http://www.paperheart.org/

the interview of her inspired me a lot.

The following article is from the earlier Launderette archives, when, some time ago I stumbled upon the portfolio of Jessica Williams, a young photographer staying in New York for schooling at the Copper Union. I wrote to ask whether she would be interested in an interview. She agreed, and wrote the following responses to my questions which have since become of special interest to many readers, making the interview a kind of distinctive precept for not only those who enjoy snapping photographs but particularly for all those who can appreciate their captive purity.What is your favorite snack?

Raspberries.

Do you ever take a walk in your neighborhood just to snap pictures? Or is a trip to document a new place more highly valued?

I do both. Whenever I shoot I rarely go out with any particular image in mind, though I do often go to specific places to take photographs. In general, I like to think of photography less as a means of documentation and more of a way of seeing and thus, I try to “see” everywhere I go– whether it be near or far from my home. Also, the idea of fabricating a reality based on my surroundings is much more intriguing to me than presenting the world verbatim. I like to leave room for a little magic in my work and if I was too rigid in my shooting, nothing might ever happen. Sometimes its best to let things come as they will.

Is your schooling at The Cooper Union very helpful?

That is a tricky question. I believe that all schooling is helpful, even if it simply means you are constantly surrounded by other people that are making work and learning alongside you. However, lately The Cooper Union has been going through a lot of changes so for me to be here right now is another question in and of itself. Many of my peers are discontent but it cannot be denied that we do have some marvelous professors and amazing facilities. Our color darkrooms are especially nice.

Where do your ideas come from?

I feel like you should go with what you know and a lot of the time I pull ideas out of my own life and past experiences. When I was a child I frequently moved from place to place and I think that has affected the way I see things, especially when it comes to photography. When I make my images I imagine them as safe havens from the dirty and crowded world at large: calm and beautiful places I can retire to when I am sick of everything else. In a sense, they are very escapist, but in another they are simply trying to build a home (or world) of their own. I mean, at least I like to think of them that way.

What effect does culture have on the things you create?

I do not think I could make the photographs that I do without being alive in the present age. A lot of my images are taken in very suburban areas that did not exist ten or twenty years ago, or at least as they do now. There is a certain dichotomy of hopefulness and hopelessness inherent in them that characterizes our present age and I find it endlessly fascinating. I am also specifically interested in how the world around us affects my generation and the one below it. In my images I always think about the questions ‘How can a person or a place be so happy but so sad?’ ‘How can the world be so beautiful but so often overlooked?’, etc. I am still young so I guess I do not technically suffer from prolonged adolescence yet, but only time will tell. But perhaps that is a sign of the times, too.

What sort of camera equipment do you use? What do you think of digital photography?

I mainly shoot with a Fuji GSW 690 Professional 6×9 camera, which is a rather special type of medium format. The negatives are more elongated than standard medium format and are actually the same aspect ratio as 35mm film. Most people that shoot with 6×9s are super dedicated landscape photographers who want a reasonably lightweight camera that can take a panoramic image with amazing detail. I also frequently use an Olympus OM-1 SLR and a consumer grade Polaroid 600 camera.

As per digital, I think I will always prefer film but I cannot deny the ease and, to put it bluntly, cheapness that is associated with digital. It literally costs nothing to shoot and the images are almost immediately available for editing and subsequently presenting to the world. I have an old 4 mp Olympus digital camera I bought years ago that I’ve been taking snapshots with ever since but I am in the market to buy a fancy digital camera to use for as of yet unknown future projects. As of right now, I have my eye on the new 10 mp Canon Digital Rebel that will come out in October, but things could easily change.

Do you fret over technique?

This question could have two answers. The first answer that comes to mind is “Of course!” because I am a born and bred perfectionist. However, I feel that I am fairly competent at what I do. I’m not saying I do not suffer from frustration now and then, but I have been doing photo for awhile (at least six years by now) and have shot and printed photos in many different circumstances with all sorts of equipment and situations. Also, all of my images (with very few exceptions) are analog and I print them all myself in a darkroom. And though my physical prints are rarely seen by the audience of my website, they do exist and I think they are rather beautiful.

Do you get enough sleep?

Sometimes.

What are your plans for hereafter?

I am pretty sure I am going to take a semester abroad and study in Sweden, so I will mostly likely photograph up there. I hear where I am applying is a tiny, tiny town and I am rather excited to get out of New York. I’ve been here too long. But as for the far future, I am not sure what I will do. Lately I’ve found its better to take things one day at a time and read a lot. Life is a lot easier that way.

 

 

 

Add comment March 16th, 2008